What makes me tick?

This week's HOMEWORK for boot camp is to analyze yourself and determine...what makes you tick. There are 10 questions that we are supposed to delve into with complete honesty and detail. Here goes...

1. What do I really want?

I want to be happy with who I am...really. Not to just SAY that I'm happy, but to really BE happy...and not look at my reflection in disgust. I want to accept me for all that I am, and all that I am NOT. To accept that I have faults, that I am not perfect, and that sometimes it's OK to tell people NO and admit that I need help. I want to be able to admit that sometimes, I CAN'T do it all. I want to be take seriously in situations where people don't think I know anything. I want to be judged by my character, not my cover, and I don't want to be compared to some social standard of NORMAL.

2. Should I really change?

With regard to what? My personality? NO.

My lifestyle? Maybe a few thing could stand to be tweaked for OPTIMAL performance.

My habits? Sure. Some habits could definitely use a change...a double look to see if they are, in the long run, helping or heeding my goal to happiness. I should change the way I look at things, usually in a semi-judgemental way. I should change the way I care so much about what people think of me. I should change the way I address situations where Paige is upset about something, and not take each scenario with a grain of salt. I should realize that to her, these situations she encounters, really seem like the end of the world, and address them with empathy, support, and understanding rather than frustration and matter-of-factness. I really should change that...

3. What's the bright side in all of this?

I guess the "bright side" of this is that I am able to see, think, and realize out loud, who I really am and what I really want. I'm able to pin-point things that I can work on to be happier, or completely drop if needed, and find that inner peace that I've been so desperately trying to achieve.

4. Am I comfortable with what I'm doing?

Though I must fully admit that I do not LOVE what I do (as a career), I am comfortable with it. I'm thankful, more now than ever, that I (1) HAVE A JOB and (2) KNOW FULL WELL THAT MY JOB ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE ANYTIME SOON. I do catch myself once in a while dreaming about where I would be had I pursued my dream of being a Veterinarian, but I know that by taking the road I took, we are financially stable enough to support our kids, maintain our mortgage and other duties, and have the flexibility that I need as a working mom. I really don't think I would have had Coleton or Jadyn had I gone back to school, and so by admitting that, I can answer that YES, I am comfortable with what I'm doing and with the choices I have made.

5. Have I done enough for myself?

This one is hard for me, because I'd like to say...Yes, I do a lot for me. In all honesty though...No, I really don't. I DO maintain my commitment to boot camp, and so I am doing more for me NOW than I ever have, but still, I don't think it's ENOUGH. I don't treat myself...EVER. I don't pamper myself...EVER. And it is a very very rare occasion that I even get to shower or pee by myself...which, as I type this I wonder about because I can count on 1 FINGER how many times Elmo has had a child with him during these (private) circumstances. I don't treat myself even a fraction of a percent as well as I treat my family...they always have nice clothes and fresh meals, and I willingly take the left overs. That is, after all, what a MOTHER does, isn't it? I am by no means complaining...I love being a mom. Completely, with all of my heart LOVE IT, but I do admit that sometimes it would be nice to have someone serve ME...for MY plate to be the 1st prepared...or to go out clothes shopping and actually come home with clothes that fit me and don't have dinosaurs or kitty's and flowers on them. And, it would be nice to have honest to goodness ALONE time...time for ME to do what I WANT TO DO, not what I NEED to do. Yes, that would be nice. What would be even better...would be that I wouldn't need to ask for it...I would seriously drop to the floor in amazement if my husband just noticed that I needed some ME time and made it happen. Then again...it wouldn't be ME doing something for me then, would it?

6. Am I happy at where I am today?

Without hesitation...YES. I am completely, 100%, without a doubt, happy with where I am today. I am in a relationship that still sparkles even after 12 year. I have 3 kids who are my entire world. I have a great paying job with too many perks to list. I am blessed (though I may not always appreciate it) to have family near. Blessed to have a beautiful home, loving neighbors who are also my friends, and (let's face it) so fortunate to have been born in America.

7. Am I appealing to the opposite sex?

The only person of the opposite sex whom I have any intention (or care) of appealing is my husband, and YES, I still somehow manage to appeal him! Call it a miracle, call it unbelievable, call it what you will...but even after 12 years...3 kids & 50+ pounds I still do! Even more miraculous is that he makes it a point to let me know that he thinks I'm pretty on a regular basis. And, as luck would have it, he still appeals me too!!

8. How much could I have?

This is a very odd question to me. What does it mean? Posessions? I guess I could have everything my little heart desired if I was dishonest, selfish, and obsessed. But, then I'd have EVERYTHING and be left with nothing. No family, no future, no dreams, nothing to look forward to. What fun would that be?

If however, this question is aimed more towards inner fulfillment rather than posessions, I guess I already have everything. I am loved. I am the world to at least 4 people, who in turn are my world. I am so rich with love and fun and passion, that I couldn't really care less if I'm not keeping up with the Smiths. I am fortunate enough to have found a love that most people search their entire lives for. That is true wealth. True happiness. The only posession with any true value. I have everything that I need. Anything else that I am fortunate enough to get, is just an added bonus!

9. What motivates me?

Gosh, So MANY thing motivate me!

Capturing moments for eternity for me AS WELL AS for others. (Photography)

Helping others in ANY way I can

Making my kids & husband happy

I guess everything boils down to making people happy. Anyone. Anything I can do to help someone in their time of need, or something to just make them smile, I'm all over it. I'm a feel-good junkie, and I yearn for that feeling of gooey warmth after I've done something for someone without being asked! That is really what motivates me!

10. What Really Makes You Tick?

I guess if I had to sum up what really makes me tick, it would be family & friends. I like to think of myself as a kind, sensitive, caring, unselfish person who would do anything within my means to help someone out. I too often put my needs on the back burner and forget about them as I cater to others, without hesitation, without retribution, without underlying cause. I love to make others happy, even if it sometimes means I suffer a little less happiness. By writing that down, I realize that maybe it's something I need to work on. In life, there always needs to be an even balance. Throughout my years of kindness, it seems that I have somehow become a stepping stone that some people just use to get where they need to go, and although it makes me happy to know that I somehow made their life a little easier, I shouldn't allow their happiness to superceede mine. I am an unselfish person...always willing to do whatever I can for others. Maybe it's time that I use some of my compassion, kindness, pampering and eagerness to help on myself!